Singing at the top of our lungs at the back of a pick-up.
Tears streaming down but I don’t notice them anymore cause I’m so used to the feeling; it comes as natural as a smile.
Memories just come rushing in; as the wind hits my hair it whipped my face just like a slap, a much-needed wake up call. I didn’t wake up, and then I realised I didn’t need waking, cause I never even slept.
Yes, I closed my eyes, won’t deny that. I tried to distract myself, go out and meet people but those things made me numb; I didn’t want to be numb, I couldn’t. So my solution was to pretend, to sleep soundly and giggle about my fairytale dreams, but deep inside I lay awake in bed fully aware of the pain.
My mind, body and heart are tired yet it keeps thinking, moving, beating; when all I want to do is to go back. I don’t want the pain to fade, I don’t want to forget, I just wants to go back to the time when I could sit on his lap, put my arms around his neck and burry my head on his chest. That moment when I’d hold his hands and not care if my palms were sweaty, cause I felt accepted and I just wanted to feel our fingers intertwined. That moment when we’d stare at each other and his lips would be inches away from mine and I felt every particle of my being come alive. That moment is where I want to live in. I don’t want to escape from that, never.
The cold stares, the bi-polar none smiley text messages, the rejection to every breakfast, lunch, dinner, gym, movie, invitation is the knock out to every single day. The ignorance to what I think, how I feel, and how he can be okay as I drown my pride in a sea full of sharks that I fear. He moved on & he forgot. There was no more spark and no more matches to ignite the fire. When I went out to get a new pack he was gone. He found the light to the end of the tunnel; his escape.
As for me I found my sweet escape, the people who stayed with me in the tunnel as I wait.